written May 07

i wrote this nearly a year ago. on facebook of all places. i feel basically the same, i could revise it. but im too tired now. just thought if might be of interest to someone. if anyone would like me to clarify something to them or a question.

just ask

I've noticed here on Facebook that alot of my friends call themselves Christian.
It's an interesting thing.
Calling oneself a Christian.

In my life, I find, the hardest part of being a Christian is being judged by all the other ones.

There are so many rules. The written ones, the unwritten ones, and the worst of them all.
The Unspoken Ones.

The Denominations. Doctrines. Belief systems.
Nothing in the "Be of the world but not in it" is simple. Or even user friendly.

I find, It has become quite the mess, and depressing.

But really. It's always been quite the mess.

Cuz see. the thing is. We are all individual and unique people. We then, obviously, will always have slightly (or greatly) different views on things. ALL things.
Basic things.
Complex things.
Day to day, how to make your flippen bed sorts of things.

But then.
There are millions upon millions of people, who are perfectly fine with picking a denomination be it Non-Denominational, Baptist, Charismatic, or any of the hundreds of sub-category denominations..and settle down in the comfort and routine of their life.

I am not one of those people.
I cannot be.
I do love people
I try, i really try to understand. Because I care. I don't want anyone to suffer. Most of all the people who are trying to find and understand God and peace but have been thrown away by my supposed 'people' because of some misdemeanor of sorts.

Are we not supposed to love one another, and to not judge?
Who are we to judge anyway?
What happened that made us wise and all-knowing?
Or maybe, is that just our Pride and 'I've worked hard and sacrificed so i refuse to let things be easy for you' rearing its head?

I am having to work very hard to not dissasociate myself completely from this NorthAmerican christianese culture.

I work with women who carry so much shame because of choices they have made and then, decide to turn their lives around and have tried to go to a church but only to be run-off or patronized and treated like a second class person because of their past.
So now, where are they?
They're back on the streets hooking and helping their husbands and boyfriends deal to stay alive and keep the life they know from completely going to shit.
How can I judge them when I know full well if one or two things had kept as they were going when i was younger i would be one of those girls today.
I work with children, who for all the horrible things they have seen still have some wide-eyed innocence to them. What will happen to them when they feel the first rejections of the people they thought were supposed to love them? I hope and pray it never happens. But my cynicism says different.

I am sick of the intense Hypocrisy.

You raise your hands in worship, but then yank your children and silently scream at them in the parking lots. You do nothing out of love, but instead out of 'religious duty' or some other complete crock of shit. Religous anything means nothing. Religion is dead. It does nothing for us. It doesnt make change. It certainly does not help the people who need it most. Love does. But not religion.
"Religiousness" comes from self-righteousness and legalism. Which come from self-love and pride.
And i have not time nor the patience for that bullshit anymore.

But, I cannot not turn my back completely because of the faithful ones.
They are great, and wonderful people. Full of love and kindness.
I care about them deeply.
But still, I am not them. I cant fully identify with them or feel like i fit.
I don't fit.
I never have.

I do not feel as if i am somehow wrong.
Just that,
I am different.

The church wasnt supposed to be complicated.
It was made so that people would have a place to go to be with friends and to learn to make their lives better, more meaningful and how to fix and change things in their life to do so. To be creative. To dance and create things.
But of course in many a congregation that was stopped long long ago.
Creativity has been cut out but morning announcements made longer..

I'm not saying its all bad. Many are doing it right.
I just am tired.
I am tired of explaining and defending myself and the choices i've made.
Tired of continually being pushed back and made to question myself.

So then this..essay of sorts. Is how i see things at this time in my life.
Don't think i dont see all the good.
I do.

But the negative, far outweighs the positive.
In my mind.

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peaceangel said...

I'm curious what 1 or 2 things earlier in life would have led you to hooking or dealing drugs for a boyfriend/husband. Just wondering...

apricot. said...

this is very honest of you. I really enjoyed this & I agree with you 90%!

cristymuranda said...

apricot - thanks

peaceangel - i meant it in a more like, if certain things had happened to me. i could of ended up like girls on the street.